SFU: The no-fun school.

As of this writing, I have attended three, count em three, post secondary institutions. I have gone to Douglas College, The University of Wales Trinity Saint David in the UK and I currently go to Simon Fraser University. This post is going to be predominantly about SFU. SFU is the least fun school I've been to. And let me be clear, when I say that I don't mean it's the school I personally have had the least fun at. It is the school that has far and away the least fun. This is something I've been trying to put my finger on for a while now and I think I have some grasp on it. 

When I went to Douglas and Trinity I was in an atmosphere that didn't take itself 100% seriously, less gravitas maybe. There was a sense of having a good time while you're there. SFU not only lacks a clear sense of community, which people have talked about before, blaming it on the school's "commuter school" label, but also lacks the self-deprecating sensibility that makes people feel comfortable. Douglas is 100% a commuter school and has much more fun. The school has a proud reputation and history as being a forward thinking, liberal place and that pride is rightfully placed. But it's possible that this attitude has stymied the schools ability to have fun. SFU is so busy being socially conscious that they've forgotten that you can have fun while you do it. 

What am I suggesting? That's a good question. I think SFU can afford to loosen its tie a bit and celebrate. Events are shared via scattered posters or in the student news paper, why not have an idiot with a megaphone telling you about things you may enjoy like themed pub nights or sports games? 

And I have yet to come across an event that attempts to create a sense of community via integration and participation. When I was at school in the UK I was involved in planning and executing a student union "speed dating" event which was designed specifically so more people knew more faces as they walked around on campus. Something like that would be a welcome addition to the atmosphere here at SFU. Because the school's impersonal buttoned up attitude affects the students as well. I'm writing this during an hour long break in a room with tables and chairs. I haven't heard anyone speak to anyone else in an hour. That isn't normal and it sure as hell isn't welcoming or fun. 

Are there pockets of community, sure. Are there clubs where people socialize and make the kinds of lifelong friendships you statistically make in your college years, I'd be surprised if there weren't. But we ALL go here, we are all in one big club. It'd be nice to feel like it.

But I've only been here for a little while so, what the hell do I know?

I want you to want me (and say so)

As an average straight dude, it's not often you hear certain kinds of complements from the opposite sex.

"You're cute" or "You're attractive" or things like that are almost exclusively heard while in relationships, from friends or from bold gay dudes (I love you bold gay dudes, you make my day). We get a ton of other complements and I'm not here to say that we're really hard done by. But, women think about and enjoy sex just as much as men and check us out as much as we do them. (I'm not making that up they've done studies. If I was a better blogger I'd link them, but I'm lazy so google it.) The difference is they tell their friends and not us. They feel liberated and share pictures online of Hollywood hunks and  muscly male models (nailed the alliteration) with comments like "Unf" and the like. Half of Buzzfeed's traffic is earned through lists of hot dudes with all caps captions like "YES PLEASE" "THIS" and "LOOK." And I think that's great. What I'm saying is, its time to take that liberation and put it into our real corporeal lives. It's as much on us men as it is on women. If we want to feel desired, have our confidence boosted and our egos inflated (to a healthy level of course) we need to let women know that the days of "we pursue, you are pursued" are over. It's a lot like that Looney Toons sketch in which Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck argue about which hunting season it is, but in this version it ends with them agreeing that its just a free for all and then making out.

It's easy to think that men don't need that sort of attention. That they're stoic and confident and fine without. But we all have insecurities and we all want to feel desired. Men very much included.

But what the hell do I know.

Art is hard

Art is hard. Not like math is hard, or fighting a bear with only a lasso and your wits is hard- in that the actual work is tough to do (though that's often the case as well). No, art is hard because art is the ultimate unrequited love. We give everything we have and everything we are into it and sometimes, oftentimes, it rebukes us fully and completely. Those of us who are passionate (re: stupid)  enough to pursue it as a career know this full well. Despite talent, ability, and sometimes even drive, the road to success is a crap-shoot. The reality is for every success story there are 100 failures so anyone with a brain can reason that your chances of failing are far higher than succeeding. Saying you're starting a career in the arts is like looking up at a cliff, watching 20 people fall to their deaths and saying "Yeah, that's for me" and starting to fucking climb. Fledgling artists have fears, all the time, every day, and that is made worse with the knowledge that on some level it's all self inflicted.

Why do we do it? Maybe it's optimism or faith in our own ability. Maybe it's blind ambition. For me it's the simple fact that doing what I do as someone in the arts is the only thing that makes me truly happy. It's the only thing that satisfies me and it's the only thing I want to do.

"But Jake you don't know that, you haven't tried everything."

"True but I've already found my thing. That's like looking for your glasses, putting them on and then continuing the search. Why would you keep looking?"

That being said, earning money is a necessity that only becomes more and more necessary as time goes by and your life expands. A functioning adult, something I'm aiming to be one day, earns a living. So getting a real job, is that failure? You aren't making enough to live on from your art so that's a fail right? I have no idea.

Every artist decides what defines success and failure for them. Some simply think by doing it, they're a success. Some think if they have that job and no other they're a success. Some want fame and loads of cash. Some only want recognition from their peers. Some simply want to say the one thing that they've been burning to say their whole lives. And because the definitions are so fluid its easy to feel like you're copping out or giving up. I'm going back to school to get a degree in teaching and some of the time it feels like I gave up. I'm still writing, still acting, still going on auditions and even thinking about trying stand up comedy but because I'm officially "getting something to fall back on" I feel like it's over before it even begins. I don't know if that's the case or not, maybe that's for me to decide.

But seriously, what the hell do I know?

Why we like Villains

Walter White was the best character on Breaking Bad. Sorry Jesse fans but its true.

While we found him revolting by the end we also couldn't help but like him. Why?

 We like villains.

But Jake, how can we like characters who consistently lie, cheat, steal, and even kill? I will tell you, fake rhetorical person.

Villains, or the good ones at least, are confident, charismatic, intelligent, self prioritizing people. They do and say what they truly want to and don't let social convention or law get in the way. How many of us can say that? My bet is not a single one. We gain catharsis by proxy watching these kinds of characters shatter the rules and make their own because its what we'd like to do. A villain is his or her best self, just in the absolute worst way. Being our best selves is something we should all try to do.

So, without the murder-theft-evil-plotting, I'm gonna start thinking like a villain and I suggest you do too.

Don't turn around when things explode, say cool things before kissing people and putting on sunglasses.

But more importantly set your goals high, make plans, put yourself first, have confidence.

Be a mother-lovin villain.

But what the hell do I know?

Motivation

"I wish I had more motivation to....."
"If I had the motivation I'd...."

I say and hear these statements all the time and I'm calling for a stop.

For a very long time, and even still, I have seen motivation as this elusive fuel certain people know how to tap into and others don't. In my mind it's like this sparkling trail of magic dust you only need to hop onto in order to sail blissfully to your dreams.

That is wrong.

From the website Psychology Today: "Motivation is literally the desire to do things."

With this definition phrases like "I wish I had more motivation" are insane. I'm not saying getting motivated is easy, and I doubt I'll stop using the phrase all together but I don't think it's helpful to say I want to want to do something. You either want something to happen in your life or you don't. You either act on that or you don't. It is not because of a lack of some esoteric dream dust, it is because your goal isn't specific and its probably hard. Changing what we do every day, something that would have to happen if you want to change your life, is hard. We're creatures of habit. Our brains are wired for it.

Start small. Set up a goal that has a specific end. Numbers are good, dates are good, things that are noticeably achievable and quantifiable. "I want to look better." is a bad goal. "I want to loose 5 pounds" or "I want to gain 2 inches to the size of my arms" is a better one. "I want to learn how to play the oboe" isn't a bad goal necessarily, but "I want to practice the oboe on Mondays and Thursdays from 3-4 for eight weeks and then go from there" is a better one.

Small scale work isn't exciting like a grand idealistic goal is. Unfortunately it's the only thing that actually works.

But I'm guilty of it too, what the hell do I know?

Why Geeks Are Sexy

I'm a pretty sizable geek. Not as big as some, but certainly in there. I always have been. I got my hands on Tolkien and read The Lord of The Rings by 4th grade. I have had real debates over whether Batman is actually a superhero or not.(He is.) If you asked me to rank the Stars Wars films I could do it in a heartbeat and tell you why.(5, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1. Because Revenge is the most compelling, Return, despite having ewoks is too exciting to discredit, New Hope has probably the best, most complete story and the most Original Obi-wan time, and the pre-quels got more watchable as it went along.) I absent mindedly hum the theme to Game of Thrones inceasently. I'm a geek and I am sexier for it.

Is it because of your geek-sheek fashion sense Jake?

Well that may have something to do with it, even NBA stars, professionally paid athletes, are joining the nerd herd after all, but I don't think that's why.

It's because geeks have passion. Nothing is sexier than someone who is passionate. Nothing. Good looks are great, intelligence comes very close but for my money passion is the sexiest thing going. 

And you don't have to love comic books or swords or lasers to be a geek. You just have to care about something to the point that you wanna know all about it. There are music geeks and film geeks and comedy geeks and sports geeks and even sex geeks (I count myself as a few of those as well) and the one thing they all have is passion. 

Find what you love. Do what you love. Be confident and proud of what you love. Share it with people you love. Geek out. Nothing is sexier. 

But, what the hell do I know?

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do A.K.A. You are all Beautiful Little Snowflakes

There aren't a whole lot of people in their early twenties who find the one person they're gonna stick with. There are a whole lot of people in their early twenties who date. I didn't take stats in university but if my math is right, that leads to a lot of break ups. To lend some perspective to my perspective I will give a very brief (and non-specific) overview of my romantic history so far.

 I'll be the first to admit I don't break up well. A few that I have had have hit me quite hard. Of the seven exclusive "relationships" I have been in (I only use the quotes because some were "seeing each other" others were "dating" but all were exclusive at the time) I have been the dumper twice, the dumped four times and had a truly mutual break up once. I can say with honesty I invested myself completely in two of those relationships and partially in the other five. Of the women I was involved with I am still friends with five, don't talk to another at all, and have one that's up in the air friendship-wise as of this post but is starting to look more positive which is encouraging and healing. What I'm trying to say is, I've been through enough break ups to have formed an opinion on it.

My opinion is this: You are all beautiful little snowflakes.

Most people have heard the saying "Everyone grieves differently," or something to that effect. Well it doesn't just go for death, it goes for loss as well. And that's what a break up is, a loss. You have lost someone you've become used to having around, you may have lost whole aspects of your life that you used to share with that person, for fear you'll bump into them or their friends. The adjustment to that is hard. And its not the same person to person or even break up to break up. Every experience is new. Nothing we do is ever the same as something we did and that is both exciting and terrifying.

With that in mind, the so called rules about how to get over someone or how long it takes are absolutely ridiculous. What I really want to say and what I've learned in my experience is Do not let anyone tell you how to or how long to grieve, especially not yourself. Do not put an expectation of time on yourself. Do not put an expectation on what you're ready for on yourself. And don't let anyone else do that to you either, not friends, not family. The only way to feel better is to let yourself go through whatever it is you're going to go through, every single step of it, and keep in mind that it will eventually feel better. The worst, most emotionally taxing break ups I have had were the ones where I had expectations of myself and my recovery and I didn't meet them. All of a sudden you're left thinking "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I ok?" And the answer is "Nothing and because you just aren't yet." This doesn't mean wallow in your sadness, it doesn't mean shut down and become useless to those around you, it means don't lie to yourself and end up hurting yourself further and don't worry that you're doing it wrong. Nothing is wrong with you if your third break up takes you two months to get over and your fifth takes you a year. Nothing is wrong with you if you find someone new in four months and nothing is wrong with you if you find someone new in two years so long as you are always honest with yourself and don't try and push your feelings away.

In my experience, some break ups hurt more than others, but at our age, they all stop hurting sooner or later. As long as we all keep that in mind, and try to follow the advice above, we'll be healthy, happy, beautiful little snowflakes.

But hey, what the hell do I know?