There aren't a whole lot of people in their early twenties who find the one person they're gonna stick with. There are a whole lot of people in their early twenties who date. I didn't take stats in university but if my math is right, that leads to a lot of break ups. To lend some perspective to my perspective I will give a very brief (and non-specific) overview of my romantic history so far.
I'll be the first to admit I don't break up well. A few that I have had have hit me quite hard. Of the seven exclusive "relationships" I have been in (I only use the quotes because some were "seeing each other" others were "dating" but all were exclusive at the time) I have been the dumper twice, the dumped four times and had a truly mutual break up once. I can say with honesty I invested myself completely in two of those relationships and partially in the other five. Of the women I was involved with I am still friends with five, don't talk to another at all, and have one that's up in the air friendship-wise as of this post but is starting to look more positive which is encouraging and healing. What I'm trying to say is, I've been through enough break ups to have formed an opinion on it.
My opinion is this: You are all beautiful little snowflakes.
Most people have heard the saying "Everyone grieves differently," or something to that effect. Well it doesn't just go for death, it goes for loss as well. And that's what a break up is, a loss. You have lost someone you've become used to having around, you may have lost whole aspects of your life that you used to share with that person, for fear you'll bump into them or their friends. The adjustment to that is hard. And its not the same person to person or even break up to break up. Every experience is new. Nothing we do is ever the same as something we did and that is both exciting and terrifying.
With that in mind, the so called rules about how to get over someone or how long it takes are absolutely ridiculous. What I really want to say and what I've learned in my experience is Do not let anyone tell you how to or how long to grieve, especially not yourself. Do not put an expectation of time on yourself. Do not put an expectation on what you're ready for on yourself. And don't let anyone else do that to you either, not friends, not family. The only way to feel better is to let yourself go through whatever it is you're going to go through, every single step of it, and keep in mind that it will eventually feel better. The worst, most emotionally taxing break ups I have had were the ones where I had expectations of myself and my recovery and I didn't meet them. All of a sudden you're left thinking "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I ok?" And the answer is "Nothing and because you just aren't yet." This doesn't mean wallow in your sadness, it doesn't mean shut down and become useless to those around you, it means don't lie to yourself and end up hurting yourself further and don't worry that you're doing it wrong. Nothing is wrong with you if your third break up takes you two months to get over and your fifth takes you a year. Nothing is wrong with you if you find someone new in four months and nothing is wrong with you if you find someone new in two years so long as you are always honest with yourself and don't try and push your feelings away.
In my experience, some break ups hurt more than others, but at our age, they all stop hurting sooner or later. As long as we all keep that in mind, and try to follow the advice above, we'll be healthy, happy, beautiful little snowflakes.
But hey, what the hell do I know?
Great work Jake!
ReplyDelete